Lately I’ve felt like sharing my pregnancy with Genny. Maybe it’s because we are coming up on three years since we found out we would have a baby. Some of you may already know that my pregnancy wasn’t an easy one. We learned many hard lessons during those 9 months, and Genny continues to teach us every day. What made our experience different from most was the cystic hygroma diagnosis at 12 weeks gestation.
Two pink lines
Our young family began as most young families do – Ryan and I stupidly-in-love-newly-weds with not enough money living in a teeny tiny apartment located off a very busy street that made it impossible to get out of during rush hour traffic. We had been married 7 months when Ryan was out of town on a business trip to Utah. While he was gone, I went to stay at a friend’s house because the empty apartment made me lonely. Like many of you can relate, I was anticipating the arrival of – ahem – Aunt Flo, but despite the calendar days ticking away, there was nothing.
Finally I uploaded my basal body temperature chart to a fertility forum, and immediately began getting suggestions to go buy a pregnancy test. This was as I lay awake in the middle of the night, everyone else was asleep, my husband was 500 miles away, I had class the next day, and I was freaking out.
Fortunately I only had three days to wait for Ryan to get home. Three excruciatingly long anxious days. See, I insisted on waiting to take a test, or to tell him it was a possibility, until he was home with me. I also didn’t want anyone else to know before he did, so I kept my lips sealed.
(EDIT: Okay, so I did tell a couple people it was a “maybe”…Ryan will never let me forget that.)
Of course, we all know how the next part went – I took the test, got the positive, and at that point I was 6 or 7 weeks along. The next chapter of my pregnancy journey began a little over a month later. The following is adapted from a blog post I wrote for my personal blog a few weeks after our 12 week doctor’s appointment. This post says everything I wanted to say, so I decided to simply recreate it here:
Flashback to May 2016
After seeing the ultrasound of our twelve-week old baby for the first time, we were absolutely thrilled. We sat in the doctor’s office, waiting for the doctor for about thirty minutes, but we didn’t care. She could take all day. We were having a baby, and on the little pictures we held in our hands, it looked perfect.
Then the doctor appeared. She apologized for taking a long time, then sat down and said something that changed our lives from that moment on: “There is an abnormality in your baby’s ultrasound.”
I’m what you would consider a worrier. In some weird, irrational way, my brain feels like not worrying about something jinxes it into being. Up to this point in the pregnancy, I hadn’t allowed myself to worry about the host of things that could go wrong. We were young; I was healthy. The statistics were in my favor. Then I heard the doctor speak those words, and I experienced a sort of out-of-body experience where I watched my own nightmare come true.
Ryan came and stood next to me, holding my hand. I don’t know if he did that for me or for his own comfort. The doctor went on to explain what this “abnormality” was and what it could imply for our little one. As she spoke, I could feel a grip around my heart tightening and my stomach turned. I thank God for the artificial calm He gave me in that room so that I didn’t break down as the doctor spoke to us.
Cystic hygroma and possibly more
Cystic hygroma. My doctor was not an expert on the topic (probably because the chances of having a cystic hygroma during pregnancy are 0.2-1%), so she promptly made us an appointment with a specialist at Texas Children’s Hospital. It was all a blur – one moment we were excitedly heading to our first ultrasound and the next we were on our way to see a fetal specialist.
There, a genetic counselor explained in more detail what we already had researched since the ultrasound. A cystic hygroma is the result of toxins being unable to leave the baby’s body. This leads to the formation of cysts, pockets of fluid beneath the baby’s skin, like big blisters. Our baby’s spanned from its head to its butt, and the counselor counted about three of them. The cysts themselves were not the most alarming issue, although they can cause lethal stress for the baby. Rather, they are usually the result of an underlying, and oftentimes more serious, issue such as a chromosome disorder, a heart defect, a problem with the lymphatic system, or a recessive gene disorder. Each of these possibilities has its own host of statistics, none of which were positive.
A cystic hygroma is the result of toxins being unable to leave the baby’s body. This leads to the formation of cysts, pockets of fluid beneath the baby’s skin, like big blisters.
A surreal experience
I never thought that at twenty years old I would be sitting with my husband across a table from a lady telling us that there is a good chance our unborn baby will have Turner Syndrome, Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, Trisomy 16, or a fatal heart disorder. She asked if we wanted to consider terminating the pregnancy, and we both immediately said we didn’t. No matter what this little one is dealing with, no matter what it would mean for us, it deserved a chance at life.
Is there a chance?
Desperate for some kind of ray of hope, Ryan finally said to the genetic counselor, “Isn’t there a possibility at all that something could just not be developed all the way? I mean, the baby is so small…” The lady nodded, “Yes, of course, it could be that something just has a kink in it, and as the baby grows it will correct itself and you’ll have a perfectly healthy baby. But that is usually not the case with a cystic hygroma.” So there it was. Our tiny, almost impossible chance.
Since that Tuesday, we have met life a day at a time. Some evenings after a tiring day or being nauseous and having to explain to everyone that, “Yes, I am pregnant, but the baby has this problem…” I can only come home and burst into tears.
Looking at that sweet baby’s profile, it kills me to think that I may never get to hold it or kiss its cute little nose or get to know its wonderful personality. But I feel like I need to explain it to people. Maybe so that they understand a little better where I am coming from. Ryan and I are in a strange limbo where we love our baby more than anything, but we can’t exactly expect to have a healthy baby. The list of possibilities looms dauntingly over our heads no matter how positive we choose to be. Ryan has been the best at this. He has his moments when it gets too heavy for him, too, but God has given him a strength that allows him to encourage me and to give me hope when I’m starting to lose it.
It’s confusing because I don’t know if I am supposed to trust that God is going to answer my prayers with a resounding yes, or if I am to take comfort in the promise that my baby is in His hands. Of course, I truly know that it is the second one, but knowing that the odds are against us takes my breath away. I have to cling to that promise that the Lord has our baby, and He is going to protect it no matter what. That, I do believe.
So now, we are waiting for the next two weeks to pass so we can go to the doctor and hear the heartbeat again. We look forward to that appointment with both hope and dread. Every day, I wonder if the baby is still alive inside me or if I’ve already lost it and don’t know. Ryan and I desire to hear that heartbeat so badly! The Lord is definitely sustaining us, and our marriage has become stronger because of this period of trials we have been enduring. We know we are not worse off than most, so for that we are thankful. And we have each other, so whatever happens, we will be alright. 🙂 The Lord is in control.
“Be strong, and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The LORD will do what is good in his sight.” 2 Samuel 10:12
To be continued…
I will share the rest of this story soon. For now, I would love to hear about your stories. Pregnancy or not, how do you stay calm and at peace in the midst of trials?
Share your pregnancy stories with me! Comment below!
Love, Emily XOXO